Butter, Processors and Calculus

   I have to say, shops in Cyberia will ream you. A small burger would cost RM2.50, and I found out today (to my great annoyance) that they mark up the price of butter by 37%! FUCK! If I were ever to move to that place, then I’ll buy a week’s worth of groceries and live off that instead of shopping there.

   Speaking of which, it seems that butter is giving me a sense of ennui and lifelessness. I feel so uninterested in everything I do… I wish I can eat something more nutritious, but right now I’m totally broke, so I’m afraid I’m on “starvation mode” until the end of next week. Which means, I’ll be living off bread-and-butter for the next 5 days… and on exam week, no less. This is academic suicide at its worst.

   Speaking of exams, I really gotta say that Introduction to Machine Architecture seems to be written as a cure for insomnia. It’s dry, boring, complicated and a complete snore-fest. I studied a few chapters tonight, and at the end of it it knocked me cold for 3 hours. And I just woke up a few hours earlier, too… if I ace this subject it will be a miracle.

   Of course, that would be *if* I actually get to sit on the exams. Still having trouble… there’s a very real possibility that I will be barred and have to repeat the semester. Worst case scenario will be me quitting the university (not likely, but it is a very real possibility, and I’d peg the probability at 10%), although I hope that wouldn’t happen; I actually liked it here, I love the subjects, and I don’t want this to be the third university I dropped out of.

   So there you have it. Sucky exam situation, bad diet and friends that is acting like a spoiled brat (just why the hell do I keep believing in people? Guess it’s sort of my fault too…). Why do problems keep piling up on me on such a crucial time? I want to rage, rant, scream and smash, it is as if everything and everyone in my life is conspiring against me. Not the “kill Amry’ sort of conspiracy, more of a “let’s annoy the hell out of him until he breaks down and cry like a little baby”.

   Ah, this sucks. I wish my university is located at a place that’s a bit more cosmopolitan, instead of being in the middle of nowhere. Even if I want to go out and relax, there’s really no place I can go to. Correction: no place that I can go to where I won’t stumble into horny teenagers trying to score a quicky. People, bushes and dark places are for dogs and possibly ghosts / vampires, please spare a thought for the people who would have to clean up all the used condoms afterwards.

This picture made me smile… don’t understand it? Get out more, then

My Irish Memories, part I

   So it’s 4 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I was lying in my bed, reminiscing about my days in Ireland ages ago, when suddenly I thought, “hey, why don’t I jot it all down, to serve as reference for my future self?” If I happen to get famous along the line, it’ll save my autobiographer a lot of time.

   So let’s start, shall we?

   In The Beginning…
   In late 2000 / early 2001, some representatives from a medical college that shall remain nameless (for now) made a presentation in my matriculation college. I am totally NOT interested; I have my eyes set on studying computer science, which is reflected on the fact that I gave up Biology in favour of…. Computer Science. Pretty clear-cut, right?

   Anyway, I went for the presentation because my best friends insisted that I accompany them — nothing more. The whole thing is mildly interesting (and short, too — which is good), I filled out the forms that were given (why? WHY?) and the whole thing slipped out of my mind afterwards.

   A few months later (after I finished matriculation, and got my mediocre results), I am told that I am to attend an interview with the college authorities. Now I’m starting to get slightly annoyed, and I made this mistake of telling my parents. Big mistake. My dad, who never stopped dreaming of having at least one of his sons to become a doctor, got majorly enthusiastic. If I didn’t stop him, I’m pretty sure he’d bought me a pair of leather shoes of my own.

   During the interview, I am the only one who turned up in coat and tie (overdressed!). The session went quite well, I think my English conversational skills at that time is above average (probably), and while I don’t quite remember what the question is, I do remember my answer — something about Siamese twins and the ethics of letting one of them die so that the other may live.

   Yosh, will stop here for now. Will walk down the memory lane later.

Pacificism and Civil Disobedience – Can It Work?

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.”

(Matthew, NIV)

   I was listening to Black Eyed Peas’ Where Is the Love? when this bit of the song struck a chord in my heart. But rationally thinking, can pacifism and non-violence — ahimsa, and refusal to take up arms against your enemies — work?

   Why It Won’t Work
    – not defending yourself will only make your enemies’ work easier

    – some people would think that self-preservation, and righteous hostile action made to defend yourself — is a fundamental duty of every human; therefore, refusing to fulfill this duty will put you in the “you deserve to be killed” category

   Why It Might Work
   - shame is a powerful force. An armed person, assuming that he’s just a normal human being, may feel ashamed to strike and attack a person who will peacefully just take it. Of course, with these days and age, predator drones and missiles means that combat is getting increasingly depersonalized, so this argument might not be true for long.

   Ah, forget it. Just random thoughts in my head.

Here’s a Good Question :

A certain annoying, pathetic, furry purple dinosaur should be:

a) Help up as a loving role-model for children’s morals and values

b) Hung from a tree

c) Hung from a tree and shot

d) Hung from a tree, shot, gutted and run over by a Buick

   Oh man, how I laughed.

   You know, I missed games of old. The current trend for videogames these days is, “more l33t graphics, franchise a popular movie / book / both, and throw in some scantily-clad women”. I mean, seriously, whatever happened to interactivity, to getting your audience’s attention apart from waving some boobs? In the olden days, developers will try to make the game as immersive as possible, to make up for the shitty graphics. So yeah, the picture’s not exactly a Monet, but at least it’s *fun*.

   I say, we bring back the era of 486s; enough with stupid Harry Potter / Spiderman / [insert movie here] games. Bring back the creativity, the fun-ness, the enjoyment of the games of old. I’d rather have a very engaging adventure in a roughly-drawn world than stare at an amazingly-rendered rock.

FCMers and Their Wooden “Boxes”

   So… for some reason, alpha FCMers in MMU are constructing wooden boxes… well, they’re not exactly a box, more like a frame of a box (i.e., there are no sides, so you can’t store anything in it). So… what’s the deal with the box-wannabe?

   Still, I saw pretty nice work of arts around… there’s with a spider’s web in it, and another with a fake bonsai… it’s all very nice, and very creative, but again, I ask you, what’s the deal here? Man, if it’s an assignment, then I have newfound respect for ‘em.

“Tonight, We Dine In…”

   … the HB1 cafe. Where else do you think?

   Well, I am now financially-solvent again, so WHEEE!!! Suddenly, everything is right with the world. Sure, my friends annoy me, but they’re my friends, and I’m no angel myself. My best friend giving me grief? Well, that person’s having a hard time, so I should give ‘em a break and play it cool. Yeah, I did poorly in my assignments, but then again I kicked ass in the lab tests! Things look bleak now, but the wheel always turns, and things’ll get better sooner or later!

   Current mood: awesome. It’s a wonderful thing, to be alive. I feel like celebrating.

   (but on the negative side, now that I’m well-fed and feeling happy, I no longer have an excuse to not study. Dang :p )

   (and oh, for an hour or so, I got locked out of my room. Double-dang)

   (and oh again, a friend canceled dinner plans ‘coz she got dinner plans with her friends. Well, I understand everything and know it’s not a big deal, but a guy can’t help feeling just a wee little bit rejected T___T )

It’s a Most Horrid Night…

   There’s this really heavy shower this morning, and for some reason it knocked the power out on my floor. Yup, that’s right; *just* my floor. wtf? Why is my floor the most electrically-fragile one? All the other places in the same block are working just fine, so why must floor get a blackout every time someone sneezes, eh?

   That by itself is not so bad (since it’s raining quite heavily, it’s sort of cool, so the lack of fan isn’t really that disturbing). What scared me to death, however, is the close proximity of the lightning strikes. For around 15 minutes, the strikes are so close I can feel the shock waves from my bed. Being someone who is deathly afraid of meeting his Maker via a bolt of lightning, that’s a REALLY distressing event. And being alone, no less (my roommate went out)…

   A friend woke me up today to ask for last-minute tips on a logic programming exam… well, I don’t really mind (especially since I know how to answer the questions, ha!), but I’m slightly annoyed that I’m roused from my sleep. Because of the current Financial Crisis (i.e., I have no money left. Zip. Nada), I want to sleep and remain unconscious as much as I can. Aaah.. just how am I gonna get past this day with less than half a loaf of bread? And what about tomorrow?

   While I have no qualms whatsoever in helping people out, I do wish people would help *me* back in return with an equal amount of enthusiasm. I really do think that some people just treat me like a doormat…

A Reminder to My Future Self…

   Next semester : join a club that would teach you how to dance. What sort of dance is irrelevant.

   Oh, and get a part-time job. And a spiky hairstyle (assuming that the two is not mutually exclusive). Or maybe a mature-and-evil look (you know, like the devil in a Faustian bargain, well-groomed but radiates an unmistakably diabolical aura). On further reflection, I guess at my age I should concentrate less on looking hip and more on being professional.

Deutschland, Deutschland über alles…

   Dow… uh, I mean, “acquired” a copy of Run Lola, Run! today, so I’m in a Teutonic mood right now. I’d love to learn German, but from what I heard the grammatical syntax is a bit complicated, so I dunno… I guess I might tackle it after I master Cantonese, Japanese and Arabic. Also, German women are hot. I just love the look… throw in the red hair and I’m all yours, baby.

   Also, a friend gave me a copy of Nelly Futardo’s Promiscuous, and while I would normally object to the crass music of the lower lifeforms, but for some reason this one just hits the tune with me. Love it! “Promiscuous girl / wherever you are / I’m all alone / and it’s you who I want”…

   After some soul-searching (yeah, I know, I don’t have a soul, but let’s not get into technicalities here), I decided that from now on, I will cease to try and be liked and just do what the hell I want. Why? Because apparently no matter how nice you are, you just can’t please some people. Rather than grovel and appease, I say “fuck it”. From now on, I’ll just do whatever I want and damn the public opinion. I mean, why bother? If people spit on you when you give it your best, you might as well give them your worst and reap whatever rewards you can get.

this picture has nothing to do with the angry rants in this post. However,
you do have to admit, a fully-armed penguin army is just so very awesome. Fuck you
Bear Cavalry!

   Yeah, so I no longer aim to please. Hey screw you, if I do something, it will be for my benefit. Bitter experience has shown that when you show kindness to others, they just use it to step on you at their leisure, and you’ll be forgotten once you are no longer needed. Guess after a quarter of a decade, I have finally lost all faith in humanity. People helping others for the sake of helping have gone extinct; nowadays, everyone’s always looking for something in return.

   On a more positive development, I have resolved to stop gossipping. Someone once wrote, “the person who put chains around the neck of a slave invariably fastens the other end on his own”, and I think it operates on a similar level with bitching about other people.

   Also, plain bread is surprisingly soft, fluffy and edible… I actually have to stop myself from eating the whole loaf in one sitting. Would love to, but this would have to last me for a few days. Dammit, some people can just be so freakin’ infuriating. Bread and water… hey, isn’t this the sort of thing they serve in Medieval prisons when the prisoner refuses to confess? This is actually a step back from my “bread-and-butter” days (which *should* be taken literally).

   Ah well, least I am still healthy and (reasonably) sane, there are people who are worst off out there. I should be thankful that I still have roof over my head, family that I can turn to (as a last resort, and only on certain things, but it’s better than nothing!), and free Internet access 24/7.

   Finally, why does your armpits feel sore every time you shave / trim the hair there?

   edit: I actually danced to Promiscuous. I half-wished I’m at a club right now (and the other half? I wished *no one* saw me dance just now. I’m good at many things, dancing’s not one of ‘em, hehe…)

Things I Want to Do Before I Die, #002

   Witness a whiteout with my own eyes.

   A whiteout is a weather condition caused by snow and clouds in which contrast and visibility is greatly reduced. The horizon cannot be identified, and basically all you can see in all directions is whiteness.

   Why would I want to see this? Because I’m just so incredibly very curious about the whole concept. As long as I get to walk away from this alive…

Miserable Day!!!

   Okay, I have this lab test on 9am, so I decided to wake up at 8. As it turns out, I can’t sleep, so I only went to bed at 6am. That leaves me with only 2 hour’s worth of rest… and to make it worst, I woke up in the worst possible way (okay, second worst, probably) — getting my body used as food by the mosquitoes. And I’m sweating like a pig. And my nasal passages got irritated by something. I woke up pissed AND miserable.

   The tests, however, went remarkably well, given the circumstances. Talked to a friend whom I’ve lost contact with since MNTA, then went to bed for most of the evening. Woke up at midnight and ruefully wondering if I can actually do the Data Structures assignment (due date : tomorrow, progress : 0%). I’m screwed.

An Important Message…

   09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

   If you already know what this is, then I don’t have to explain it. I’m posting this here as a form of protest; there are limitations to free speech, yes, but you can’t exactly declare numbers to be illegal. What’s next, you want to restrict the usage of the letter “x”?

   If you don’t, then go find out about it. Life’s not all about parties and getting laid.

ARGH!! MY EYES!!

   One of my eccentricities is that, every 15 minutes, I will get up and walk around the floor of my hostel. It’s because I can think better when I was moving, and besides it gives me a wee bit of exercise. So no harm, right?

   Unfortunately, on my latest journey, I came across an International student clad only in his boxers, with his… privates bulging prominently. “GYAAAAAHHHH!!!!” screamed some part of my subconscious, my psyche shuts down, and my brain undergone a soft reset. I must research whether it’s constitutional to force everyone within the hostel grounds to wear decent clothing when outside of their rooms.

an accurate representation of what’s going on in my mind at that
exact moment

   This is one of the cons of hostel life; big, hairy men walking in their short shorts. While I have no opinion on homosexuality (note: by “no opinion”, it means that I’m neither for or against gays; I just don’t see any reason why i should form any leaning one way or the other… yet), nevertheless I also believe that guys should practise modest dressing. Ah, do note that this restriction is only for GUYS. Ladies, feel free to parade around in your undies. You will have no complaints from me, no sir.

   That aside, have I mentioned how screwed I am tomorrow? I have Logic Programming lab test at 9am (9! Why can’t he schedule it on tutorial hours? WHY?), followed by Machine Architecture lab test at 2pm (and why did I schedule TWO exams on one day? Am I an idiot? Wait, don’t answer that). And the day after, I have to hand in my non-existent programming exercise.

   And as if I don’t have enough problems as it is, Mr. High-and-Mighty have somehow forgotten how to use a headphone. Fuck, I’ll play MY mp3s at full blast the next time HE tries to study. Ah, how I long for a time when I can get all the privacy I want.

   You know what’d really hit the spot right now? One of those round coffee-flavoured Marie biscuits. I know, I should probably demand something fancier, like Cordon Bleu and 32-oz steaks, but can I help it if I’m a man of simple tastes? Maybe I’ll buy some tomorrow, to heal my broken, stomped, totally riddled-with-holes heart tomorrow. Oh academia, you are such a harsh mistress *sobs*

Random Thoughts on a Warm Saturday Night

   It’s too hot (and I’m feeling too lazy) to do any real work tonight, so instead I will jot down the random musings in my head. Viva procrastination!

   First up… I have a newfound appreciation for Dido’s Thank You. Tonight, I found the song to be hauntingly beautiful, the music video to be simply enrapturing (the final scene of her walking away with her few meager possessions — including the hair dryer — is artistically divine), and lest I forget, Ms. Dido herself looks pre-e-e-e-e-ty hot. It’s not Pussycat Dolls-hot or Holly Valance-hot (otherwise known as “slutty hot”), but more of a girl-next-door hot whom you wouldn’t mind bringing home to meet your parents (well, maybe not MY parents… although I might do it for the humour value).

this is delicious dido!

   (but am I the only person to think of “dildo” every time I see her name? Nahh… couldn’t be)

   Is it a coincidence that the events of September 11th spells out 911, the emergency number? ‘em terrorists sure have a freaky sense of coincidence… or is there a deeper meaning to it?

   Women’s thongs. Isn’t it uncomfortable for that tiny, floss-like piece of cloth being stuck between your butt cheeks all day? Yes, I admit the whole ensemble looks very hot, I’m just wondering about *that* particular factoid. The depths in which women will torture themselves to look good amuses me.

   Are there any stripper clubs in Malaysia? Hey, even a Coyote Ugly-esque bar will do. Is there a point in having strippers anyway? You spend good money on something you cannot touch (we assume the place is well-regulated), so at the end of the night you’ll end up immensely horny; if you don’t have a girlfriend, it’s either hiring hookers, or a date with Mrs. Palm; on the other hand, if you *do* have a girlfriend, then what are the chances she’s gonna let you get any after she finds out you burnt a week’s paycheck on looking at nekkid ladies? Ah, the paradox of Human Civilization.

Of The Full Moon, Buddhism and Bread!

   I have two assignments that I am supposed to pass up; one is on Logic Programming, and the other is on Data Structures. I am extremely depressed to report that my Logic assignment is dead, and the DS one… well, it’s on life support. Somehow, I think 1st Class Honours will be an impossibility for me this semester. DAMN IT.

   To properly articulate my feelings about this, here’s a graphical representation of my psyche :

WAHAHAHA!!! … pass the axe, please

   Moving on… I have determined that, there are some things that I am not, and don’t belong. Rather than struggle futilely, throwing a tantrum or embark on a deep philosophical discourse on why such a thing is bad for me anyway (a more mundane translation for that is “sour grapes”), I should simply learn to accept the fact, don’t let it cloud my mind, and move on. As they say, “don’t fret over things you can’t change”. Of course, such a thing is far, far easier said than done, but nevertheless I shall embark on such a course.

   What am I not? Well, let’s see. Painfully, I guess I’m not exactly a “fun” character, since I’m the type that would rather listen, rather than talk and gossip. Great if you need to pour out your soul, not-so-great at hangouts. I am also not inclined to blow a week’s worth of expenses on a single night. My friend told me to “stop being a miser” and hang loose, but it’s easy for *her* to say that; my responsibilities happen to be far heavier than hers, and I cannot with good conscience throw caution to the wind. Plus, paying a princely sum to see my friends cavort and make out is NOT my idea of a good time; now, if there’s a chance of carnal encounters to be had, that will be a different kettle of fish (I’m a guy, after all), but I doubt my chances on that, so I guess the solitary nights are, I regret to say, the right choice.

   What else? Well, I’m NOT a snappy dresser (my clothes are… old, my newest shirt is ruined by a drunken fiend, and I have the color co-ordination of a blind bat). I’m also not very rich (see point #2) or social, or a treasure trove of interesting gossips (well, technically I *can* gossip, but that would involve betraying trust and confidences vested in me). And, sad to say, I am NOT good-looking; I can barely look at F without (painfully) thinking, “dammit, this guy’s hot, if only I have his looks”. Hmmmm…

   That said, rather than fight futilely against such deficiencies, I must learn to live with it, or at least approach it in a rational, intelligent manner. For am I not Amry, a learned person who aspires to be the master of his mind and body? If I were to debase myself, this will only lead to self-embarassment.

   (and if you’re wondering why I’m talking in such a flowery language, it’s because I’ve been playing Vampires : the Masquearade, and I guess the elitist language of the Primogens have rubbed off on me.

   And damn it, I am hungry. On hindsight, I should’ve probably bought a loaf of bread before the store closes; although I’m out of butter, having something to gnaw on helps. Surprisingly, my kuih raya is still very edible.

   Before I end this, I must make note of myself to rein in my curiosity. If a particular set of people are having sexual orgies, then surely it is not any of my business? Granted, it’s a great business opportunity and valuable ammunition for any future extortion (don’t delude yourself into thinking I’m a good guy; I’m only angelic to my friends — screw the rest of the world), but really, it’s strictly not my affair. I must rein my instinct to dig deeper. Similarly, if someone is starting to go down the slippery slope of idiotic and (ultimately) destructive habit, then should I intervene? Probably, but if that person is doing it out of its free will, is happy about it, and the people around that person is okay (and even encourages it — the paradox of “civilization”), then why do I even want to bother? At best, I’d be labelled a wet blanket, and at worst, “who the bloody hell do you think you are meddling with my business?”.

   Altruism aside, from now on I will try to only help those who are asking for it. I am no United States, and I do not volunteer myself to be the policemen of other mortals.

   On a happier note, I think my love life might, against all hope, improve. However, I must ensure that I’m not a) delusional, b) mistime my moves, and c) make false assumptions. Hmmm… I guess I am also not impulsive by nature.

   Sidenote: I will probably be moving to Cyberia next year. I will need to make a lot of arrangements… but I don’t know where to start. ARGH!

Art Exhibition!

   There’s going to be an art exhibition in MMU tomorrow (4th of May) and the day after that. I think it’s primarily organized by the FCM students… and I, for one, am going. It’ll be interesting, I hope I can get some culture and sophistication to rub off into me, and let’s face it, it’s a thousand times better than the stupid “break the Malaysian record” events that MMU seems to be delighted in doing. I mean, seriously, who the bloody hell cares? You played congkak or Saidina the longest in Malaysia, boo-fuckin’-hoo. You want some XP for that?

   Anyway, as far as I can tell, the exhibition is free, so yay.

Of Naughty Doings, Solitude and Prolog

   I read something remarkably deep yesterday. It goes something like this :

Loneliness – if you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. And yet you are alone

   Apart from the delightful logical paradox, it also stuck a chord in my heart. Just how cruel is that? You are never alone in your curse, yet its very definition means that you can’t reach out, or rely on, those who suffer the same fate as you are.

   Anyway… I’m in a deeply melancholic mood right now. My Prolog project is busted; my God, just why can’t I stick with C++? I promise to not do AI research, so can I be exempted from taking Logic Programming? Please? Pretty please? This language is seriously pissing me off.

   Well, to make things worse, I’m feeling really out-of-the-loop (hence the starting parts of this post) and unwanted right now. What bitter irony that, by being more social than my past personalities, I am actually suffering more because of it. Being excluded from a social group is worse than not being in it to begin with. The fact that I’m “out” smarts. A lot. It’s a mental equivalent of being kicked by a horse.

   (yes fine, I shouldn’t expect any well-established clique to accept me, a relative newcomer, just like that *snaps fingers*. But then again, another newbie did, and fine, so he’s more good-looking, richer, more fun, and… OH FUCK IT THIS IS MY BLOG, LET ME WHINE AS MUCH AS I WANT. Stupid rational-thinking mind *mutters*)

   Please God, if I can just have one person who I can really depend on. Someone who’d patiently listen to what I want to say, who’d pay attention to my problems, who will understand me for my various strengths and weaknesses, and yet treat me all the same. Someone who will listen to my worries and concerns, just as I will listen to his/hers. Someone I can trust, and one that trusts me in return. Someone who is not concerned with what others think, if s/he’s associated with me. If I can have just one person like that, I will treasure him/her forever, and will stand by him/her even if the whole world does not. I won’t care if I lose all my friends, as long as this one person is by my side.

   Hell, if I can hang out with that person on a regular basis and talk about whatever in our minds, I’d say I’m already halfway there. Ah, I miss my high school mates so much… those were the more innocent days. Who cares about being “hip” or “cool” or even getting laid? I’m happy and carefree, and that’s far more valuable in my eyes than anything else.

   Will I ever live to see such a saviour in my life? (note to missionaries : this is not a plea for conversion, so bugger off, it’s not like your religion has a monopoly on the word “saviour”) Well, as someone once said, “there’s no such thing as being born into this world to be alone”; well, I’m still feeling (mentally) strong, so I guess I will continue to believe in this. I am looking forward for a day when I feel really at peace with myself, so that I can look back to this post and think, “wow, I’m so whiny in the past, glad I no longer feel like this nowadays“.

   You know what? I probably should give drugs, or alcohol, a chance. I heard a shot of single-malt whisky would knock you right off the barstool. I should give that a try…

Err… no, I’m not planning to kill myself. Just something to spice up
this post… and I think it’s somewhat funny, in a macabre way

Fuck, Someone’s Begging To Be Killed

   Lesson in Life, #01 : you do NOT listen to heavy metal music without a headphone when it’s fuckin’ 3am. SOMEONE might actually want to get some sleep, you know. I can live with the never-switching-off-the-lights-and-fan thing, but dammit just because you think some unwashed monkey screaming God-knows-what is “good” music doesn’t mean everyone shares that point of view. Srsly, I’m glad we’ll never meet again next semester.

   Lesson in Life, #02 : notice to the lecturers – it is oftentimes a very bad idea to set up an assignment so fiendishly difficult that even the command to compile it looks like a crossword puzzle. And by the way Sirs, the Code::Blocks update just completely fucked up my original installation. Now I can’t start the damn thing without clicking past a dozen error boxes. Uninstalling doesn’t help. So, I have to ask, WTF?