Of Naughty Doings, Solitude and Prolog

   I read something remarkably deep yesterday. It goes something like this :

Loneliness – if you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. And yet you are alone

   Apart from the delightful logical paradox, it also stuck a chord in my heart. Just how cruel is that? You are never alone in your curse, yet its very definition means that you can’t reach out, or rely on, those who suffer the same fate as you are.

   Anyway… I’m in a deeply melancholic mood right now. My Prolog project is busted; my God, just why can’t I stick with C++? I promise to not do AI research, so can I be exempted from taking Logic Programming? Please? Pretty please? This language is seriously pissing me off.

   Well, to make things worse, I’m feeling really out-of-the-loop (hence the starting parts of this post) and unwanted right now. What bitter irony that, by being more social than my past personalities, I am actually suffering more because of it. Being excluded from a social group is worse than not being in it to begin with. The fact that I’m “out” smarts. A lot. It’s a mental equivalent of being kicked by a horse.

   (yes fine, I shouldn’t expect any well-established clique to accept me, a relative newcomer, just like that *snaps fingers*. But then again, another newbie did, and fine, so he’s more good-looking, richer, more fun, and… OH FUCK IT THIS IS MY BLOG, LET ME WHINE AS MUCH AS I WANT. Stupid rational-thinking mind *mutters*)

   Please God, if I can just have one person who I can really depend on. Someone who’d patiently listen to what I want to say, who’d pay attention to my problems, who will understand me for my various strengths and weaknesses, and yet treat me all the same. Someone who will listen to my worries and concerns, just as I will listen to his/hers. Someone I can trust, and one that trusts me in return. Someone who is not concerned with what others think, if s/he’s associated with me. If I can have just one person like that, I will treasure him/her forever, and will stand by him/her even if the whole world does not. I won’t care if I lose all my friends, as long as this one person is by my side.

   Hell, if I can hang out with that person on a regular basis and talk about whatever in our minds, I’d say I’m already halfway there. Ah, I miss my high school mates so much… those were the more innocent days. Who cares about being “hip” or “cool” or even getting laid? I’m happy and carefree, and that’s far more valuable in my eyes than anything else.

   Will I ever live to see such a saviour in my life? (note to missionaries : this is not a plea for conversion, so bugger off, it’s not like your religion has a monopoly on the word “saviour”) Well, as someone once said, “there’s no such thing as being born into this world to be alone”; well, I’m still feeling (mentally) strong, so I guess I will continue to believe in this. I am looking forward for a day when I feel really at peace with myself, so that I can look back to this post and think, “wow, I’m so whiny in the past, glad I no longer feel like this nowadays“.

   You know what? I probably should give drugs, or alcohol, a chance. I heard a shot of single-malt whisky would knock you right off the barstool. I should give that a try…

Err… no, I’m not planning to kill myself. Just something to spice up
this post… and I think it’s somewhat funny, in a macabre way