Cancer

   Last Monday, while I was fretting and fussing about the little things in my insignificant life, Mom had an operation to remove a lump from her right breast.

   How do I know this? Because just now, at around 17:15, she sent me a text message telling me about it. And telling me to not worry, she’s doing fine, and anyway they don’t know if it’s really cancer yet.

   And all this time, I’m worried about my stupid tuition fees when something this big is happening in my house. How could I be so blind? No wonder Dad seems sort of insistent that I go back home for “a casual visit”. But dammit, I wish he’d just tell me head on; I don’t like things to be kept hidden from me, no matter how unpleasant it might be (but to be fair, I can understand his desire to shield me from this).

   Now I honestly don’t know how to feel.

   Am I worried? Ob-fuckin’-viously. I love my mom, and now I’m worried sick (the whole “don’t worry, I’m fine” is not going to work… she has always put our needs first, so she might be saying that so that I can concentrate on my studies and whatnot).

   And I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to her. “Cheer up”? That’s way too impersonal. “I love you”? Yes I do, but I just can’t get those words out… in Malay culture, you’re never very open with your emotions. I don’t even know if I should reply to her text message… I honestly don’t know what to say. And I’m scared.