Ah, I guess happiness is transient, after all. Just as you thought you’ve attained nirvana with your LCD monitor and a workstation that won’t give up the ghost when running the latest version of Office, an accursed son of a female dog went ahead and swiped it. To make it worse, he/she/it replaced it with a PC that should, for all intents and purposes, be scrapped two years ago!

   Oh by the way, I’ve started working. It’s an entry-level position, but nevertheless I am now officially part of the workforce and on my way to become a respectable, productive, tax-paying (siiiiiiggggggghhhhhh) member of society.

   Right now, my life sucks.

   They found cancerous cells within the nodules that was removed from my dear old Mum’s after her last mastectomy. Now she had to undergo six courses of chemotherapy and hope for the best.

   I can’t pay my university fees.

   I kept sneezing all the time I’m in my room. Apparently 5 day’s worth of dust when I was gone is enough to ensure a hellish existence for me.

   And yet… with the heavy rain falling outside, bringing forth the calming scent of warm earth, how can I fail to convince myself that there is, after all, a silver lining in all this? I’m never much of a religious person, but as I observe the landscape come to life under the showers of rejunevating rain, all I can think of is “for the greater glory of God*”

   I guess it’s true what they say, “hope springs eternal”. Plus, I must not complain; wretched as I am, my standard of living is FAR higher than, oh, 3 billion other people on the planet. I worry about being able to pay the university my fees; for other people, they worry about not starving to death in some fly-ridden hell-hole.

   The resilience of the human spirit never ceases to amaze me.

*from the Latin phrase Ad maiorem Dei gloriam, which incidentally is the motto for Ateneo.

   Last Monday, while I was fretting and fussing about the little things in my insignificant life, Mom had an operation to remove a lump from her right breast.

   How do I know this? Because just now, at around 17:15, she sent me a text message telling me about it. And telling me to not worry, she’s doing fine, and anyway they don’t know if it’s really cancer yet.

   And all this time, I’m worried about my stupid tuition fees when something this big is happening in my house. How could I be so blind? No wonder Dad seems sort of insistent that I go back home for “a casual visit”. But dammit, I wish he’d just tell me head on; I don’t like things to be kept hidden from me, no matter how unpleasant it might be (but to be fair, I can understand his desire to shield me from this).

   Now I honestly don’t know how to feel.

   Am I worried? Ob-fuckin’-viously. I love my mom, and now I’m worried sick (the whole “don’t worry, I’m fine” is not going to work… she has always put our needs first, so she might be saying that so that I can concentrate on my studies and whatnot).

   And I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to her. “Cheer up”? That’s way too impersonal. “I love you”? Yes I do, but I just can’t get those words out… in Malay culture, you’re never very open with your emotions. I don’t even know if I should reply to her text message… I honestly don’t know what to say. And I’m scared.

   Debate training resumes today.

   And I enjoyed it thoroughly.

   My current policy now is to work part-time and squirrel away the maximum amount of revenue so that, if I am chosen for World’s, I will NOT have any financial problems. Academic-wise, I think I’m making good progress towards full recovery both in terms of performance and financial, so I might actually look forward to a New Year in Ireland.

   In that case, I have to brush up my debating skills even more.

   I should be happy right now, I have the two things I cherish most in life: privacy, and unlimited use of free broadband connection. And yet, I feel like the vilest, cruel, unimaginably evil man to have ever walked on the surface of the Earth. Move over, Palpatine.

   See, right now I’m in what economists will call a “financial crisis”. I’m totally broke, and I mean that in a “oh shit I can’t even get a proper meal” sort of broke. But that’s fine; I’ve prepared plans for this, so I’m surviving. All right, so a diet of bread and instant noodles aren’t exactly very appetizing (or healthy), but I’m still alive — at least, until next week when cash inflow will be restored. Life’s all about trial and tribulations, right? As the nihilistic German philosopher once spouted off, “what don’t kill you will only make you stronger”.

   But just now, Dad called to check how I’m doing. Now here’s the moral conundrum: should I tell the truth, and therefore burdening the Family even further, or make the unethical choice and lie? Mom kept asking about when my student loan will kick in, and it’s bad enough that I can’t give her any (because it’s not in yet, fuckin’ stupid governmental regulations), and I feel incredibly guilty about asking for some emergency funding. My parents aren’t exactly well-off, and I am far too soft to burden them further.

   So anyway, I finally confessed that I’m broke yes, but I’m well-stocked with provisions so won’t necessarily starve to death. In other words, I’m doing fine, and I actually tried to change the flow of the conversation (lol Ateneo tactics). But Dad’s not gonna have none of that, and now he’s gonna send some money later on. Now my stomach’s happy, but not my brain.

   To be honest, I honestly think that I should stop attending international debating tournaments. It’s extremely fun and I learn a lot of things, but I just can’t justify the expenditure. Plus, I know a certain dickhead is just looking forward to get me off the squad anyway, so I might as well preemptively quit. And this whole fanatical ideology that “you can’t have fun if you’re not in a pub drinking until you can see your dinner coming out again” — what the hell? I’m a libertarian — it’s totally fine with me if other people wants to drink until they puke, eat pork or go to clubs every night — but why drag me along? I’m willing to respect your way of life, so how about some reciprocity, huh?

   And of course, my IOUs have been piling up steadily… so I guess it’s time I set aside my selfish desires and not go to any international tourneys (so goodbye, Worlds). Debates are about trade-offs, and this is one I’m gonna make. Besides, I’ll still go to training twice a week, and although it won’t give the same rush as tourneys, hey beggars can’t be choosers. Now the hard part will be to tell the idiots “no, I don’t want to go” and make them actually listen (although in retrospect, after my atrocious performance in Australs, they might actually be more willing to cut me loose)

   WARNING: LOTS OF BITCHIN’. In fact, this post is all about bitching and complaining and whining

   … do you:

a) study your darndest to try and get the last byte of info into your head, or
b) read online comics

   If you choose (b), then congratulations, your thought processes work the same way as mine did.

   See, I have this pretty serious problem; I know I have the exam coming up, and I know that my knowledge of the subject is pretty shallow. But nevertheless, I just can’t marshall the necessary willpower needed to seriously read up on the subject (in D&D terms, I failed my Will save and must spend 10D10 rounds reading online comics).

   But then again, “despair” seems to be the season’s new fragrance in the air right now. How many ways can Life piss me off? Let’s start the countin’….

a. I’m hopmeless – at the start of the term, I am absolutely flabbergasted by the high prices they’re charging for a place in Cyberia. Being true to my (apparently) xenophobic nature, I’m blaming this squarely on the foreign students, since they are rich, therefore they can pay good money, therefore sending the prices up.

b. Finance forced me to bend over as they extracted 2000 bucks from my bank account. I don’t know which pisses me off more, the fact that my bank account now is about as fat as Ms. Beckham, or the fact that I am burdening my parents. I’d write a strongly-worded rant against them, but just in case they’re reading this…

c. I’m going to the Philippines on a shoestring – yes, another debate thingie. While the opportunity to clash heads is always welcome, I question the wisdom of me going — especially since my financial portfolio has been thoroughly razed by MMU. Yesterday, it looks like the whole thing will actually be cancelled, but alas, no such luck. Guess my luggage will consist primarily of FOOD (although in restrospect, this could be fun… I gotta remember, it’s RM1 = 13 pesos)

d. PTPTN is being colder than a witch’s teat. I mean seriously, why can’t they release the funds, oh, I dunno, WHEN PEOPLE ARE STARTING THEIR SEMESTER? You know, when there are fees to be paid and rent deposits to be settled? But instead, they’re gonna delay the whole thing to August because — get this — “to synchronize with the payments made to the public university students”. Yeah, I guess NECESSITY loses to bureaucratic fuckwit-ery

   If I am a drinking man, I would’ve ended this post with “I need a good, stiff drink”.

   One of the shop owners down the cafeteria in my block serves the best Malay food within the 30-mile radius; and apparently, today is the last day of business for this semester… so she invited everyone to a free buffet! Rice, noodles and a variety of other victuals flow freely, plus bananas! Everyone is in high spirits (since for most of them, their exams are over), so all in all, today is a good day. One of the few things that can cement inter-racial ties between all is the prospect of free food, and even a few foreign students are dragged in for the festivities.

   Even though I’m feeling a bit restless, even I cannot help but feel infected by this show of good will. I hope she’ll be tending the shop in this block at least until I leave MMU. Parting is such sweet sorrow (her fried chicken is the juiciest I’ve ever had — and it’s cheap, too), but God willing, we shall meet again in 3 weeks.

   A recent NIE (National Intelligence Estimate) released by the United State’s 16 intelligence agencies (16?? I know of the CIA and NSA… what are the other 14?) concluded that the Iranians have stopped weapons research in 2003, although if they choose to, they can produce enough enriched uranium for a nuclear weapon in 3 to 8 years.

   Which means, a) they are not developing WMDs (contrary to some media reports), and b) there are no longer a justification for bombing “the mad mullahs of Tehran”. Regardless, President Bush insisted that the report is a “warning signal” and that his views on the issue haven’t changed.

   Err… what? Iran developing nuclear weapons – yes, that might be threatening (frankly, I think they should go nuclear… what harm could it do?). But now that the cat’s out of the bag and it seems that they are NOT developing ‘em.. it’s a warning for what? I honestly don’t want to think of the current US Administration as a monolithic, idiotic, warmongering, bloodthirsty blob of protoplasm, but they do need to explain their case clearer.

   I believe that both sides should begin friendly negotiations, which is more likely to bring peace than any sort of war between the two. Iran should get over the fact that the US and co. installed the Shah; and in return, the US should stop being a dick and start *gasp* respecting other countries for a change and not suck Israel’s cock any longer. ‘course, it’s more likely that I will be marrying a supermodel than any of that happening, but a man can dream, can he?

   Well, finally made my peace with Finance Department, and duly registered for my subjects this evening – three core subjects (security, data mining and something about design) plus an elective – theater. Why theater? Because I’m vaguely interested in acting, and all the other alternatives (chess, volleyball, etc.) suck. Plus, there’s a higher percentage of chicas there (which is correct, yay!)

   Still, this semester got “long day” written all over it. I’m supposed to go for an interrupted 4-hour block on Fridays, and on Thursdays I’ll be having classes from 2 to 8! The long, idyllic breaks from yesteryear, how I miss thee!

   But again, theater. There’s this girl who looks Chinese, but has a Malay name, and her nickname is Japanese. Sort of cute, I do hope she’s in my faculty, once a week is not enough for the sort of “meaningful interaction” that I have in mind.

   Totally exhausted, gonna sign off, play a little game, then hit the sack. Tomorrow’s gonna be a long, probably boring, sleepy day.

   (lol made-up word, I wonder if I can copyright it)

   So, the good news; in what can only be described as miraculous, I actually managed to score a 3.30 on my last semester’s exam, thus bringing my CGPA back to the “+3.0″ region. This is unexpected because I never dreamed that I can actually managed to pull an “A” out of my Operating Systems subject. WHOO!! GO ME!!

   Bad news is, I got a frickin’ B- on my Object Oriented Programming. A “B” on a programming subject… that’s unheard of! I knew that stupid project is going to come back and haunt me… I just never expected how much! If only things are different… granted, it’s not really that bad, but still my ego is hurt and bruised.

   Finally, the ugly – I got barred from continuing on into the second semester – unless if I cough up another 2k in fees (on top of the 4k that I already paid!). I really don’t see how I can get around this, the lady in charge seems really determined to get her… uh, I mean the university’s dough. Negotiations are under way, but it seems that I might have to sit out this semester… not really devastating by itself, but it will most likely delay my graduation for a year.

   But on the plus side, at least this is one of those rare things that I can say that “it’s not my fault”. Well, whatever happens will happen, on the bright side I’ll get an extra 2 month’s holiday, so it’s not really the end of the world.

Iä! Shub Niggurath! Black goat of the woods with a thousand young!

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